1. If you are over thirty five, and you have a washboard stomach, you
     are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
     have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
     the Oprah diet.

 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
    but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
    delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
    just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get
    your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a
    cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be
    framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
    nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
    bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
    feet, or tits.  Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko
    and undeniably a fag.

 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
     Parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
     his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee, you like a high hard one in the poop
    chute.  A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte".
    If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there,
    too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of
    dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A
    real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that
    crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league,
    NFL, NHL, college ball,! PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or
    you  know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
    textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying
    to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk
    at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he
    needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer,
   scratch his balls, or play with his broad in the passenger seat.